Johnny vs
by randomplotbunny
Summary: Just some crack stories I came up with in my spare time. Rated for some language and imagery.
1. Wally-World

**Disclaimer: Not mine! Jhonen Vasquez is a God. Furthermore I couldn't possibly own Wal-Mart, I ain't rich.**

He was here.

The center site for all that was sick and wrong in this world.

Wal-Mart.

He loathed this place.

It sprung up like a cancer upon the Earth and threw its tendrils out upon an unsuspecting populace.

The fools.

To be sucked in by the promise of low prices and amazing deals.

How revolting.

He would show them how you deal with this menace.

Gathering up his tools- knives, machete, pick ax, toy frog- he went into the soon to be doomed building.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He emerged three hours later with a basket load of new killing supplies and a large grin.

Wal-Mart - 1

Johnny C. - 0


	2. An Author

"Nope, not gonna do it."

_**Please, Johnny! It would make everyone happy!**_

"Not interested."

_**Just this once?**_

"No."

_**Please?**_

"Talk to someone else!"

_**There is no one else. You're perfect!**_

"Yeah, well..."

_**Only once. I swear.**_

"One time?"

_**Yes**_

"And no one else sees it?"

_**Of course.**_

So Nny put on the bunny suit.


	3. Squee

"Your move little man."

The little boy hesitated.

"I'm not too sure..."

"It will be fine, Squeegee.

"Just lift your hand... that's it.

"Now... Poke it!"

"But..."

"It's alright. It can't hurt you. Look at me! I poke it all the time and am perfectly fine."

"Um..."

"Just do it, Child!"

"Squee!"

"Its okay. I didn't mean to yell. Just make your move, kid."

Lifting his small hand, Todd pokes.

Thunk!

"Ya see! Not so bad, is it?"

"I guess not."

"Great! My turn!"

Poke.

Crash!

"-"

"Uhhmm, Mr. Scary Neighbor Man? Does this mean I won?"

"Yes Squeegee, you win.

"Until next time, short stuff."

With that he packs up his Jenga set and leaves. Much to the delight of the frightened boy.

Maybe if he didn't replace pieces with finger bones he would win more often.


	4. Santa

"Finally! I thought I would never get to the front." Taking a seat on Santa's' knee.

"Um, you're a bit old..."

"But I'm young at heart!"

The maniacle glee shinning in his eyes convinces the santa to just give in.

"Okay... um...oh yeah.

"Ho! Ho! Ho! Little... uh... Big Boy! What would you like for X-mas?"

"Well Santy- I can call you Santy right?- well Santy, what I want is a new ice pick- my last one broke off inside some guys' head. The nerve of some people right?

"A heavy disinfectant- you would not believe the mold growing on some of the bodies, I think one actually growled at me!

"A new pair of gloves, some if that fake grass shit- my lawn just won't grow the real stuff, must have something to do with all the bodies.

"And of course-"

"STOP!"

"What?"

"Your sick! Get off my lap!"

"But your Santa."

"No guy, I'm not! I just play him."

"Oh. Okay."

And he proceeded to stab fake santa and everyone else in the mall.

If he couldn't talk with Santa no one would.


	5. Gir(?)

"So you're a robotic, alien, dog thingie?"

"Yep! Pretty much."

"And your alien master has come to enslave humanity?"

"Uh huh."

"So why are you telling me all this?"

"I don't knoowwww."

"Okay. Just stay out of my way. Alright?"

"Alright, Sylvia!" And took off at a run.

"That, was weird."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Gir! Where have you been?"

"I Made A New Friend!"

"What?! We're supposed to be keeping a low profile! No more friends Gir!"

"B-b-but Sylvia is so nice."

"No! Whoever this 'Sylvia' is, you are not to see them again. Now come! There have a lot of murders of the filthy human scum lately, and we need to get under cover for our own safety."

As he the small green person turned up his walkway Gir turned to wave at some bushes.

"Gir! Get in here, now!"

As the men's room door closed behind them, a figure stepped from the bushes.

"Well that was interesting."

Turning on his heel he headed back down the road, there was a new mime act in the park and he wanted to help them see the error of their ways.


	6. Wally-World 2

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Wal-Mart. Or anything you may recognize.**

He would not be sidetracked again!

He would show this anal polyp of a franchise just who was boss!

No one one upped Johnny C.!

Well, except for Devi. And maybe the thing in the wall. And Satan. God.

Um...anyway.

No commercial business would get the better of him.

That was assured!

He pulled on his fully stocked battle backpack.

Put in his earphones, to protect himself from aural distractions.

He was ready to proceed.

He marched in, looked around and took off at a sprint.

Cherry Freezies!

They were selling Cherry Freezies!

He loved Cherry Freezies!

Wal-Mart - 2

Johnny C. - 0


	7. Dead body

It was slimy.

Really slimy.

How long had it been in there?

Lets see...

How long had it been since he opened his crisper drawer?

Two? Three months?

However long it had been, Nny was not touching it.

It was gross.

Even by his standards!

It had smelled up the rest of the fridge too.

Now everything tasted like death.

There was no use for it, he would need to order a new fridge.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Yes, the deluxe model with the extra-large crisper drawer."

"Delivery tomorrow? That's fine."

"My old one?"

"Yes, yes I would like to donate it to charity. Give it to a deserving family, I say."


	8. Common cold

*sniffle*cough*cough*

The little boy looked at his window to see the neighbor man his parents thought he made up sitting on the ledge.

He had a box of tissues with him, it made the youth nervous.

"Are... are you alright?" The little boy asked when the usual rant was not forth coming.

"No Squeegee, I'm not. *hack*cough*sniffle*wheeze* I think I'm dying."

"Eep!" He couldn't believe it! Was he finally going to be rid of this scary man?

"How?" He couldn't see any blood. People usually bled before they died. At least around Mr. Johnny they did.

"Well *cough* I seem to be real sick." *sniffle*

"Sick? Sick how?"

"Scratchy throat, runny nose, severe congestion, coughing and a fever. Like I said: I dying."

"Um. Mr. Scary Neighbor Man?"

*cough* "Yeah?" *sniffle

"You have a head cold. People don't die from head colds."

"They don't? *sneeze* You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Damn. I was kinda *wheeze* hoping death would make me feel better."


End file.
